Al Rantel, Quotes from his show

November 02

They are apoplectic [in Hollywood]... after discussing ABCs Commander-in-Chief show mimicking George W. Bush handling of 9/11 and Katrina.

August 22

http://www.bruinalumni.com/

August 04

Libertarian Linda Lee kicked Al's ass and revealed just how "big government" Al Rantel is. He's talked about this Vaginas-R-Us sign at LAX for 3 days now.

July 27

Circumcision.
I've heard of restoring an old house... but...

July 14

saudi arabia is in the 7th century, no let's be nice and say they're in the 9th century. (about the woman in trouble for driving her sick husband to the hospital)
when you say British citizens, you'd think the Pet Shop Boys were blowing up people on the subway (about the media depiction of the terrorists)
Oh I'm a terrorist? (caller called Al a bastard and terrorist) we reached the cul-de-sac in the conversation.
there's a 3 drink minimum to listen to this show.
there's a sport in this town about hating the cops.

July 12

goes to show you when you play yourself in a movie, you do pretty well (about Tim Robbins nice acting job in Spielberg's War of the Worlds)
[end of movie] was as corny as Moses' toes
it's like the Quakers were invading

July 11

this is a great place to be which is why I wish people would leave. just kind of fell down cause the cement got old (about berlin wall).
which arab country are they from?
not all muslims are terrorists but all terrorists are muslims.
Yeah, they're from Denmark, they're from Holland (tongue in cheek)... we know where they're from.
it is looking to destroy our country...
they must be killed before they kill us
"ooh they have to be talked to... blah blah" NO, they have to be killed!
I'd rather be alive than be politically correct... than to be dead and politically correct... don't want to be "anti-muslim" ya know...
the appeaser is the man who hopes the crocodile will eat him last (apparently what Churchill said about the Nazis)
oh the leftover Gay-Pride Parade music is playing (coming back from a break)
you're worried about yourself, clean up your group (to arabs and Muslims)
if I'm standing at the ATM machine... and it's 2am and there's nobody there... and you hear footsteps... and look back and you see a young black male or older black female approaching you... does it make you more racist? no, it just makes you smart. chances are there's no problem but you're more cautious.
antelopes profiles when he sees the lion, he runs but not with a butterfly
one plane with young arabs or one of blonde swedes, which plane are you getting on?
sometimes the donkey has to be hit twice as hard
if saudis grew artichokes, we might be able to say shove it.
you give the rat a cookie, the next day he's comes for a glass of milk.

May 12

you could be against Tuesdays in March (talking about immigrants and Mexican presidential candidate who says no wall could keep out Mexicans from the U.S.)

May 2

it's one thing to be a forgiving Christian and it's another thing to be an idiot (about Jennifer Wilbanks' husband-to-be)
why would you cut their hair unless you're abducted by a hairdresser?

April 04

American Atheists

March 10

somehow I don't think Tom Mesereau wants the jury to hear that Michael Jackson is a touchy feely guy (talking to Pearl ?... only black reporting on this). the touchy feeling thing completely threw me off. This is like manna from heaven (when Pearl said she had a 10 year old son). I've been around gay guys my whole life... oldest trick in the book... whole m.o. gee there's no women around well I'm here... about showing them women porn. oldest trick in the gay playbook. just because you knock down a tree doesn't make you a lumberjack. because he doesn't want to scare them away with the prospect of homosexual. I feel like torturing myself... after caller who believes OJ is innocent.

March 08

(talking with Mr. KABC about Robert Blake... Mr. KABC thinks Blake will be found guilty) I always leave my gun in the restaurant... [I'm] very absent-minded.

March

Anyone have an explanation for Al's "Hot Links" button going to http://worshipinstitute.com/store/???

March 03

You know Al Rantel... I'm a man of a thousand words.
*whole Morning Show was about Kevin James being the new Red Eye Radio Talk Show Host on KABC. Doug McIntyre was there for part of the show with Al.
*photo on left is from http://www.kabc.com and was gray-scaled.

November 22

Al talked about his horrifying (snowy) weekend trip on the 15 to and from Vegas.
If you can't predict that there's a snowstorm coming in a few hours, you can't predict what the weather's going to be like in 5, 10 or 50 years (making fun of these idiot Global Warming fools)
Some woman on a radio station out of Barstow suggested motorists pull over and have a cup of coffee. Where, in a bush?
Mentioned there were even women pulling over and peeing while standing. Never seen anything like it.
Shortcut to Vegas: Right on La Cienega and left on La Tiera and you see that sign that says LAX?
Swear to God at one point I was in the left lane and thought I was in the right lane.
Except for the fact that I thought I was going to die, it was pretty
If you don't know how to drive in the rain, you can't live in Florida
The biggest thing I forgot about the snow is that you become blind
During Mark Berman ad, Al said something like "...and their office is [down there] where there's guaranteed to be no snow."
Tonight the global warming lies
7000 years ago, the earth was much warmer than it is now according to the book of tonight's guest
60 miles in 3 hours (back to snow trip story)
Some of the people were speeding
the Kia Sophia... scared to take this in regular temperature
Every time he went forward, he would go backward twice as far back... guy in Chevy in front of him
the ladies literally pulling their pants down in the brush
Al Rantel audience is the coolest audience 'cause we've been through it all, right?

November 19

*most of the beginning of this show was about Clinton's "sociopath[ic]" interview done by Peter Jennings
Yasser Arafat has already left the planet so we're off to a great start (after saying he thought it might be "it" for Fidel Castro when he fell recently... also this was after Al was talking about how John Kerry is now blaming Osama Bin Laden for losing the election on November 2)
Which one of the 10 commandments does the left consider dangerous?
When you don't stand for anything yourself, you have to demonize your opposition
Let's see the Democrats "contract with America"... write it down. They'll never get elected.
Closest thing to their contract with America is look at California... lab for what happens when Democrats rule... guess what? the lab rat died.
Character is what counts... has nothing to do with your religious values or beliefs... it's one thing: when no one is looking, what do I do... when the light is not shining... key is when the camera is not there, would you take the money out of the cash register... people would good character wouldn't even think about doing that... wouldn't matter if the camera was on or not.
Imagine Gary Trudeau referring to Dr. Rice as "Brown Sugar." On her worst day, she's smarter than all these people (shameless disgusting bigots on the left) put together
Mel Gibson will not pay a penny for advertisement/marketing to promote Passion of the Christ Oscar nomination... do you think for a minute Hollywood would award this movie? Money well-saved, Mr. Gibson
Even Clinton's character is better than Annan's... when that man dies, they'll be screwing him into the ground
Is Arkansas part of Europe? (after caller suggested Bill Clinton be elected to presidency of United States of Europe).
Bill Clinton would fit right in where prostitution is legal and you can have sex with 13 & 14 year olds like you can in France
Nobody could do worse than Kofi Annan... you could put an elephant in charge of the U.N. and at least he wouldn't steal
Imagine Bill Clinton using that (those lines) on Dan Rather?
It shows that he's a dysfunctional human being and I really mean that (about Clinton)
...has a horrible personality flaw which is he cannot accept responsibility for his bad behavior... has it as a very dangerous part of his character
Joked about the 86 year old who was planning to travel to the Philipines to "sleep with little girls"... At 86, would be sleeping a lot. Sleeping with a 60 year old would be robbing the cradle.
Marriage was created to "bridle men;" otherwise, they'd be like gay men... sleeping with everything that walks
Man should not do everything that he can do... should have moral compass... if people did whatever they wanted, there would be no structure and that would be the end.
The rules are there for a reason
Gee let's make up something to ruin people's lives (about somebody coming up with the 10 commandments)
If people lived by [hippy rules], society would end

November 17

When you live in the sewer, the sidewalk is a mountain.
What man isn't easy? Yeah, "Men Playing Hard to Get" ... wonder how that show would do.
My dream is to be on Desperate Housewives
I thought men would give up anything for sex for any color
Like Shakespeare said, "there's only 7 stories"...
Like Melrose Place on crack
Maybe I'll have a Desperate Housewives party at my house (whole country will be watching)
If success breeds imitation... wonder what the other networks will do
We promise Nicolette Sheridan will not be jumping into the arms of Mickey Mouse
that may get the gay audience to tune in more (about having male cheerleaders in the NFL someday)

November 16

Osama is a people.... Adolph Hitler was a people...
Terrorists are people, too... is that going to be your bumper sticker (to idiot caller who was defending this pile of garbage lying dead or wounded in the mosque and shot by our noble marine)

November 11

Iraq The Model
The American Enterprise (Guest Karl Zinsmeister)

November 10

(Al returns after being substituted by Curtis Sliwa in the mornings and Brian Whitman in the evenings)
I wish I was as dumb as George W. Bush.
Should bury Yasser Arafat face down so he can see where he's going.

October 14

Al's celebrated his birthday

September 21

Author of "Intellectual Morons" Dan Flynn. http://www.flynnfiles.com/
Al "created" new word "Moronism"
Outside whooey, inside pooey <--saying in the south
They named a library after a communist?

September 10

Carol Platt Liebau.

September 09

Gary Sinise was the guest and promoted the sites below.
http://www.operationiraqichildren.org/
http://www.moscowhelp.org/

September 02

my parents would just be happy if it was a woman (after Michael Levine shared a story from a Michigan e-mailer about what would parents think if he brought home Teresa Heinz-Kerry to meet them)
a Southerner could talk you out of your pants and you wouldn't even know it

September 01
RNC Convention

(Kobe Bryant's criminal case dropped) if you're that horny, call a hooker (to avoid problems with sleeping with just some 'unknown babe'... the one Glenn Close character... no rosy palm.. and the five... I'm not going there... is that what they used to call them danielle expressions I've never heard (tongue in cheek)
some people think they're living on another planet
this guy's got more rings than a circus (about Kobe)
even if your skirt is so short, you could have 2 more cheeks to powder...
what I say on my show is "I report, I decide"

August 31
RNC Convention

could have sold snow to the eskimoes (about Schwarzenegger's speech at the Republican National Convention)
[Kerry] should be leading the hippies and the Burning Man [people] up there (to caller who said a Democrat told him she liked Kerry because he'd bring up the morale of the troops)
going from Gray Davis to Arnold Schwarzenegger is like moving to Beverly Hills from the trailer park in Minnesota

August 26

I guess when I drive by the Good Guys, I should think of the soviet union. this guy is out of the textbook... central casting... of the left (about caller)

August 20

even if he single-handedly won the Vietnam War... I wouldn't vote for John Kerry

August 16

if you're in the frying pan with Bush, you'd be in the fire with Kerry

August 10

this guy shouldn't be anywhere near the White House except maybe as a visitor (about John Kerry)

June 17

will you stop being rude and shut your fat mouth? to caller who keeps calling Al a chicken hawk 'cause he won't take his radio show to Iraq, etc.
what are they letting people out with a weekend pass from the hospital this week? to caller who said he was a radical patriot... where do you get your information... from the men's room wall? what number drink are you on tonight, I just want to know? what's the title of the last textbook you read? probably Dr. Suess, the cat in the hat.

May 06

the Palestinians have been trying to kill Jews since God was wearing underpants

April 30

The last time Don Hewitt (Executive Producer of 60 Minutes) voted for a Republican, Jesus Christ was in a manger. (after Hewitt declared he wasn't sure if he was going to vote for Kerry)

March 18

Al was sick with throat issues. Did 11a show... read transcript from a spanish radio station interview with Sadillo... and Al declared political death to ANY Republican who voted to give illegal aliens driver's licenses. He said he will spend every hour of every show destroying them. Kevin James filled in for 6p show. E-mail Kevin James

March 17

Club For Growth with Stephen Moore

March 10

cell phone is a modern peep show... you only get a quick peek
are you guys sitting around discussing your... uhhh? (about caller and Dr. talking about bowel movements)
http://www.drmcdougall.com/
it wouldn't be the first time we've been gross on the show
Dr. said olive oil is bad and you'll just be... Al finished his sentence by saying "oily"
Bruin Republicans there... that was a nice Mercedes you guys drove up in... after the update about them receiving so much $ in donations
"Conservative activism should be welcomed" by Garin Hovannisian
Mecha referred to Al as a clown and he hopes they're still laughing at the clown
Daily Bruin Online story acknowledging Al Rantel
Like saying Mussolini made the trains run on time
How do they feel about the Bruin Democrats?
Bruin Republicans is the most well-funded group at UCLA
Send checks made out to Bruin Republicans to P.O. 790, Los Angeles, CA 90016
located in Santa Monica... speaking of the left and the far left (said during Dr. Mark Berman ad)
A bloodless coup, see how we Republicans [do things] (about current president leaving)
When liberals start worrying about how you look, you know you're doing the right thing
He's worried about me giving him 30 seconds and he hung up (about idiot black caller trying to insult the Bruin Republicans about their Affirmative Action bake sale)
Am I bronze enough? Can I get into Mecha?
the lady that talks like a lady (about UCLA lady professor said she didn't want to hear that "conservative bullshit")
this Friday, March 12 with David Horowitz at 7pm at UCLA Moore 100 lecture hall
the left is busy doing their dirty work in secret
quoted unknown "by their deeds, you shall know them" (about Cal-State Northridge professor forwarding letter to his own attorney to watch the Bruin Republicans activities which he claimed was a borderline fascist group)
you aren't saying the members of Mecha have no "cojones" are you? (about them not showing up Friday)
here we are (after break) causing great fear on the campus of UCLA
Oh, we should have more Atheists in America? (said tongue-in-cheek)... 90% of Americans believe in God and that's why we're a great country because we're a moral country
their e-mail is bruingop@ucla.edu

March 09

face is stuck in a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, that's the medical condition... about fat people
you want to weigh 300 lbs and look like a walking jabba the hut, that's your business
1 in $10 in medical dollars is being spent on fat people
you are costing the nation by your unhealthy habits (when you see a fat person, including one in the mirror)
Sandy from NAAFA Unless KFC is considered a vegetable... maybe a barrel of KFC is considered a vegetable
She said she ate only vegetables, but what was she doing with them, dipping them in cheese or putting them on top of pizza
I'm probably going to make people fatter (about him talking about dipping Pizza Hut chicken wings in ranch, etc. making him hungry)
she's probably getting 12 dinners (about fat woman in grocery store complaining there's no low-carb stuff)
exercise and take in less calories than you burn
If you sit in front of the TV and walk to the fridge and say "I only eat vegetables, etc." You'll be fat.
Ever see a fat skeleton? some say "I've got big bones, etc"
when you die, your skeleton's going to look like every other skeleton
I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm just big on personal responsibility
6 oreos out of the vending machine... half a grapefruit was like a morsel (fat woman had claimed she only ate that)
Most people are fat because of bad lifestyle choices
Addicted? Put the fork down! (while talking to a nurse caller Debbie)
So, the food jumps from the plate into their mouth?
Unless the food jumps from the bucket of chicken to their mouth, don't tell me it's not a choice
What's complex is the way people handle their food... they do have a choice
When I go home tonight and I'm hungry... if I choose to eat 12 chicken wings and a pizza... but I don't want to be fat and unhealthy
I think people need a little shame to get on the ball
Debbie, how much do you weigh? (170 but was 250)
What were you eating when you were 80 lbs more? Don't tell me salad
The skinny person can't get out as long as you keep eating jelly doughnuts
Gallon of Haagen Dasz ice cream or a bag of carrots? We know which one would be more fun to eat. They are not addicted to Haagen Dasz. What flavor was that... Pistachio... oh, Pistachio Pistachio
I like how people talk in code... about carrying it well
Did you ever call Richard Simmons and cry? You weren't that desperate.
***with John Kearns*** How fat are people over there, [to John]?
John talked about the tubby tax and about American salads being the size of a garden
This woman (Sandy) weighed 340 lbs and had the nerve to say she only ate vegetables
John: "you can't walk around the U.K. and not find 5 multiple chin American food places"
How about alcohol, John, is it ok to have beer?
Why should I have to be crammed... slammed into my seat because she's too fat?
We could put her in the cargo hold.
I'm haunted on the airplane either by fat people or crying babies... what about fat crying babies.
5'9" 11 stone (john) Al said "we have no idea what that means"
5'11" and between 165 and 170 (Al)
John said that's huge, massive. Al said it's not, have to do his stone conversion (14 lbs per stone)
Somebody found a stone and decided it was 14 lbs?
I've gotten so use to not coming out of a club smelling like a cigarette
You eat 800 calories and only burn 400, you'll be fat
Jennifer Holiday (fat black singer) is huge here after John said she's not huge there
I think we just insulted all the people in Ireland (about them not having any good food)

October 10

what if the cow jumped over the moon [same as] what if she had sex with 3 guys in 3 days (about Kobe's accuser).
You know me, I'm always up on the latest (response to caller saying Al's the only one covering "this")
We have cell phone service like a third world country... I see people walking around Iraq with better cell phone service (after call from Kevin James dropped out)

October 09

like I said about democrats (liberals)... they're dangerous when they're in power and funny when they're not in power

October 08

What is it... the fog? (about problems in San Francisco and that they voted 80% for Davis)
They're thinking of new ways to bother us and tax us (legislature and idle time)

October 07
Election Night

Larry [Elder], you're turning me on, stop! (about Cruz Bustamante in a 2-piece [swimsuit])
Has the moving truck pulled up to Gray Davis' house yet? (6:52pm)
Come out and read the meters...? scary to see him knocking on your door (about Mr. KABC's prediction about Davis working for Edison)
Even a blind squirrel occasionally bumps into an acorn (about Gray succeeding)
On December 25, the LA Times will be telling you that a fat man will be coming down your chimney, so make sure the fireplace is on (in response to Mr. KABC sarcastically saying the LA Times report that 92% of voters favor Davis, 92% blah blah blah)
When the LA Times reported that Gray Davis had few friends, I thought they were kidding (after hearing from reporter at Davis headquarters where there's only 6 people there at the Biltmore as of 8:27pm and those 6 are reporters).

October 06

I would get to those polls tomorrow if there was a locust invasion
If I don't show up at 6pm tomorrow, it's cause I'm still in line

October 03

has the charisma of wet paint (about Tom McClintock)
You'd have to be brain-dead to vote "no" on the recall
Power structure (LA Times) are afraid of Arnold because he's going to open the books and what we are going to find
I think they're afraid that some of them could actually go to jail

October 02

I need 3 Aleve's instead of one (after listening to Arianna/Eagle's "Witchy Woman" bit)
Give me one of Rush Limbaugh's pills
I'm not looking for perfection, I'm not marrying the guy (about Arnold not being perfect)
Mr. K, did you get my Oxycontin?
Pretty soon, Mr. K, we'll be the only unblemished talk show hosts

September 30

that's like debating between Ronald Reagan and George McGovern (about caller debating voting for either Huffington or McClintock)
that's like saying my head's in the oven, my peter's in the freezer and my temperature's normal

September 22

If you can't punch a hole in a card, I don't care about your vote
I don't have faith in stupid people
if pigs had wings, they'd fly
I don't care if he's ahead because tomorrow's Tuesday (about Schwarzenegger)
get used to it, Governor Bustamante
Every night, Bustamante goes to bed at night and prays for the good health of McClintock
Bustamante is like a nightmare
I wouldn't go to the track if I were you, Sir (about voting for McClintock)
I'm going to lose all my hair before this recall is over (intro to Regenix ad)

September 19

The thought of Gray Davis dancing... that's like Viagra in reverse.
You ever notice with Gray Davis that his gestures aren't in sync with his words. It's like somebody else is doing the gestures while he's talking.
Remember "no on fifty-fo" (mocking Al Gore after black caller reported this)

September 18

this man has death-bed conversions (about Gray Davis)

August 26

I love behind-the-scenes tidbits
so we could be more successful (becoming part of Mexico)
I guess people would be crossing the border into Nebraska (if the southwest u.s. belonged to Mexico)
Chris Ruddy will be in for the "f-u-l-o-w-a" (full hour)
better times are coming... when? I don't know. Hopefully we'll all live long enough
if you only showed republicans in movies, TNT would go off the air.
Chief-of-Staff for Vincente Fox (Gray Davis' future job, perhaps)
he's another gray davis except with a moustache (Bustamante)

August 22

this is a who's who of left wing trash (about hollywood rallying against Arnold)
we're not going to read a vulgar poem; Mickey Mouse would not like that
Environmentalist Left-Wing Fascists (ELF terrorist group) You mean they'd burn all that gas to go back to Arizona
What is... Oliver Stone the history teacher?
Here I am, the mischief-maker (after retiring song "Make Gray Davis go away"
the sewer could sound good when liberals talk about it
I still like Environmentalist Left-Wing Fascists... that's only because I thought of it. (after caller Barry suggested another name)
He's like one of things in the supermarket with an expiration date on him (about Davis)
if you see me with a Nevada plate, it's a rental
God, I hope (Gray Davis) isn't gay. We don't need him. We have HIV.

August 21

when I talk to democrats I get an ulcer
the whole state's in a coma
who can imagine a conversation with Gray Davis talk about being in a coma
why murder someone who has committed suicide?
if you look up shameless, his picture is in the dictionary (about Gray Davis)
if a crook gave you money, would you keep it? (about Davis accepting money)
that speech the other night nearly made me throw up the audience proved that P. T. Barnum was right
does it mean big breast? bustamante

August 20

Imagine you're on the poseidon adventure and Gray Davis pops out of a hole to help you and says let's go this way
voters are saying Bill Simon is a movie they've already seen
Moving from San Francisco to Las Vegas is like going from a mansion to a trailer
Some things are a lost cause
When you see a bum on the street, sometimes you have to have the testicular fortitude to say no
I-15 to Vegas closed from Baker on north. So, if you're going to Vegas, you have to go through Arizona, so be sure to pick up your worker's comp.
When you're going down and life saver candy starts to look good the zzyzxz road would seem like a great place to live...although that's still in california
if you've got a dying patient, his liver's bad, you can't worry about his fingernail
maybe it'll snow in the desert (about McClintock winning)
the jury is ready to give the death penalty (about guest saying "the jury is out")
a lot of people don't think we went to the moon in 1969 (about guest saying a lot of democrats don't buy the 2000 election was legitimate)
last time Kevin James was here, we had a fight
I would rather leave Gray Davis in office for another 20 years than sit in a 20 mile backup on the 15
travel advice from Rob Marenko legal advice from Kevin James love advice from Miss Monya
I feel like Mr. KABC chatting with Rob Marenko
O. J. Simpson, otherwise known as the double killer as Gloria Allred dubbed him
he should be hanging out at the cutlery store
O. J. is a piece of human garbage who should be flushed down the toilet somewhere

August 19

is there a lamer word than lame? (about Davis' speech today at UCLA)
thank God Abraham Lincoln had it right.
You can't fool all the people all the time
some people know that when you're in a hole, stop digging
man is like an undertaker and that's just where he's brought us, 6 feet under.
tough love to democrats means reaching into your wallets their idea of tough love is for YOU to sacrifice, not them.
if adolph hitler was running for office in westwood, he'd get elected if he had a D next to his name
here we are, friends, Al Rantel, part of the right-wing force
they want to do OPM, other people's money
after him (davis), we all need help
He's the victicrat-in-chief imagine if you went to a doctor and he left a sponge in you (about Davis asking for our help)
(with John Kearns) relying on the French can be dangerous
reports say might have a baby boom in 9 months because of the blackout
I had a panic attack... had a flash that a shark was going to come and bite my legs off (about swimming in the ocean when he lived in Florida)
We've (californians) been compared to spit on the sidewalk we're so shallow
is this person too ugly to have someone buy them a car? we've got our share of ugly people

August 18

The ACLU likes to pretend; what they are is an organization that supports the liberal agenda
sloganeering is nice at the beginning, but we need to know where Arnold stands NOW.
the tears are running up my face that Mr. Buffett has property tax issues
Mr. Buffett, you're not as smart as you think you are.
I don't want my party having a hand in the murder (about Arnold getting elected)
Buffett probably doesn't even know what his property taxes are, he's probably got 15 accountants working on it. if he needs someone to watch that house in Laguna, to watch the riff raff, I'm available.
bustamante's the one with the mustache (difference between davis and bustamante)
no accounting for taste in CA (about Clinton still being popular)
davis is so like sending an undertaker to charm school
when davis starts biting his lower lip, that's when we'll know he's listening to Clinton
if you were in the 19th century, pat buchanan would be a republican
David (Dreier) I hate being on TV with someone so much better looking than me How much am I getting paid for that? a million? 'cause I need the money to pay for all these taxes.
you can stand in your garage and say you're a pontiac, it doesn't make you a car
I want to eyeball you... show me like the show-me-state
the civil rights issue is you know where you go to vote
if I really want to do something, I do it.
could someone keep the ACLU busy with the 10 commandments? maybe post them on the freeway... underpass... get them all worked up.
I should whisper this: the overwhelming majority of the 1 in 37 in jail or have been in jail are minorities
the problem is isolated in either the black or latino communities another dirty little secret the media won't tell you... if you factored out the 2 groups, the crime rate would be no worse than Europe or Australia 1 in 3 chance for blacks 1 in 6 for latinos and whites are 1 in 17 chance of going to prison
I'll take 1 in 3 or 1 in 6 in vegas any day
most criminals are blacks and latinos even though most blacks and latinos are not criminals
I'm not picking on anybody, I think it's tragic, I think we've failed as a country
Mr. KABC is my tech guy; he's like an internet geek... guru... they both start with "g"
I'm like Cruz Bustamante, I slipped
all Ed Asner does is trash Ronald Reagan it's like he's [hooked up] to a rusty phonograph needle probably goes home and watches reruns of the Mary Tyler Moore Show
boys need men in their lives to be raised properly.
white supremacists are an insignificant group of nuts
what is this, Ed Asner's brother calling in? (about caller ripping Reagan)
I want champagne but I can only afford busch lite (about social liberal and fiscal conservative)

August 15

from the bargain basement to the penthouse about Tony Strickland replacing Barbara Boxer
I sing "Make Gray Davis go away" in my shower now.
notice how liberals are incoherent
would if we only had Gray Davis supporters call in tonight for an hour?
guest Joyce Kaufman liberal talk show host from Miami
She's bi-coastal kind of like finding a straight person in west hollywood
(nice being in the room with a liberal) wish there was a liberal here at KABC so I could have fun with (you think there was a power outage 'cause people aren't taxed enough?)
liberals always like to call people names
I think a carrot has a mother too... if there's a baby carrot, there's a big carrot (about the caller talking about Joyce not eating meat)
I'd be rich if I'd stop helping people
do you want your fingernails pulled out one at a time or your toes chopped off without any Novocain (tough decisions in governor's race)
I'm sick of losing
I'm going to get taken to the woodshed tonight

August 14

4 degrees cooler and a lot less taxes (ontario, 105 vs. vegas, 101)
who would have thought pigs at the trough would be Arianna's autobiography
I paid $771 in taxes Mon-Wed of last week
I'm about to blow my brains out right on the air (about Gray Davis on CNN talking about the blackout)
like calling the captain of the Titanic to teach a course on water safety
here's a man who's been in the dark for the past 5 years couldn't find his way around the dark (or his ass) with both hands and a flashlight
if you want to get democrats discombobulated, just ask them what they want to cut
you could be talking about Tsetse flies in south africa and democrats will bring up George Bush
Arianna is feeding like a pig to the trough...that book should have been in the autobiography section
quoted Ann Coulter from june 2002 liberal magazine prospect ca is a laboratory only state with democrat rule completely the next new deal is in trial.
the experiment has killed the patient
Davis will have plenty of time to hang out at gas stations shortage of gas if we let him run gas stations
he's like a toothache.
the state is going through a root canal he looks like he sleeps in a coffin
you could stand on your head on the 405.
people have already figured out you're incompetent (about Davis)
you think any corporation would hire Davis? He might be able to become head of a union. god knows they owe him their lives
if a guy is drilling holes in the boat you're going to put a guy in and he might not drill as big of holes
all I know is the boat is sinking
Arianna will go to the opening of an envelope
cruz Bustamante will be old wine in a new bottle
keep following failed policies until you're sunk
Davis like an undertaker
one thing about Gray Davis he acts like his name
always darkest just before the dawn.
gotta keep that Ronald Reagan optimism
he paved the road and somebody else is driving on it (about Issa)
if we say undocumented, it sounds like they lost their homework on the way to school (about illegal aliens)
I can't go on forever with "however's" and "but for's" (to caller Sonja)
maybe puerto rico will join the union and we'll be 51st
next thing you know Schwarzenegger will be sleeping with Quackenbush (about talking points of perez guest)
she's tofu, mix her with meat, she tastes like meat, mix her with corn, she tastes like corn (about Arianna Huffington)
he's the face of everything that's wrong with California (Davis)
that the boat may be sinking but we're all in it.
Gray Davis for 3 more years, make you want to get up in the morning and go to work.

August 13

imagine having dinner with Gray Davis
people in hell want ice water (after caller said he wants McClintock)
I could stand in my garage and say I'm a Pontiac
like spit on a hot sidewalk (widespread support a mile long but an inch deep)
we're going from a man with a personality of a gnat to Arnold
we used to say bums, now we're using profanity
nobody's perfect (to caller who said he's a Democrat)
if you're dead from the neck up (like the governor) you'll have a problem with Question 1 on the recall
we sleep together as often as Bill & Hillary Clinton (about him and Kevin James)
anyone can make a flyer and print it out on their inkjet printer they got from Home Shopping Network
I'm keeping us booked until next year

August 12

Bustamante is Gray Davis in a Latino body
They're shipping ice from Arizona; AZ is an ice export. it's only a 110 degrees there
they're not incompetent; they're competent socialists (about the governor and the legislature)
not going to waste valuable air time on nonsense
even elsie the cow doesn't get milked like that
we're tinkling in the ocean
Nate & Al's coffee shop in BH

August 11

supporting Arnold Schwarzenegger
close only counts in hand grenades
you can fantasize all you want
I can go in a garage and pretend I'm a car too G
Gray Davis is now lower in the polls than Richard Nixon
she likes tofu whatever you mix her with (about Arianna Huffington)
who can understand the woman
half the time she makes no sense.
Look for an "S" with the most letters in it.

August 07

I like champagne but I can only afford beer. (referring to people who say "I'm a fiscal conservative but a social liberal)
My priority is to get rid of Gray Davis he's an abomination
People on Wall st look at us like we're a banana republic
all well-intended like the road to hell (referring to social programs)
cleaning house and giving an enema to the state assembly drag queen protection act ...but we know about my guesses.
Right now, Mr. KABC is running around with his van throwing empty McDonald's bags all over it. expects me to clean it.

August 06

Bustamante isn't fit to be the dog catcher
I wouldn't trust him with my cat
he wants to turn CA over to Mexico
what culture does canada have?
I've got some great 2003 California wine for you (dinner with Kevin James for his birthday today)... if 2004 was out, I'd have that for you.

August 04

Davis wants everyone off the ballot. He wants Donald Duck on there. but even then Donald would win
the man cannot take responsibility for going to the bathroom on his own
I was reading the LA Times. cause I was desperate
walk into the law firm and all of sudden the receptionists dressed as Madonna. Liza Manelli and Britney spears
progressive to where? Cancer is progressive too
this crowd is on the road to hell and they're taking us with them
Davis has been eating at too many chinese restaurants. one from column a and one from column B.
Gray Davis'll put his cat on the ballot. does he have a cat or a dog?
I'm not the smartest guy in the world, I just happen to have a microphone
I don't care what the bible says about sex
I'll have the corn but not the cauliflower
I didn't know you could do that with the bible
I don't consult the bible before I have sex
he's a republican like I'm grandma moses like I'm a member of the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce
You'd have to wake up on Hawaiian time to get ahead of Al Rantel
you're about as right of center as Ted Kennedy
if you're not interesting, you're not getting on (the air)
you can put in a thimble and have room for the chinese army
(regarding voice-->) sounded like I had swallowed 18 razor blades
if someone says there a cat on my desk. I can look to see
I feel like I'm on a bad episode of the practice
you can ask the court to ask if the world is made of swiss cheese

July 31

I sound better than most people with a perfect voice (he's sick today)
if the whole country knew how bad Gray Davis was this song would be on Kasey Kasem's show. it'd be #1.
At least he has a name that matches his personality (Gray)
He is one of the most empty-suited guys
more gay stories than even I can cope with.
every time you turn on the TV, there's some guy jumping around like some stereotypical sissy
I thought I was back in Miami (caller from Montana about the heat and humidity)
there was more helium in his heels than in all the balloons in CA
if you watched queer as folk, you'd think gays are drug using people who go to orgies
if you only watched queer as folk you'd think gay people are sex-crazed drug-addicts
how about gay as a goose (as a suggestion for the name of the show queer as folk)
I go out of town for the gay pride parade
do I need to see people walking down the street in g-strings and in drag?
if I saw the gay pride parade when I was 15 or 16, I'd think "that's not me."
I sound like a gay brenda Vaccaro
a purse just flew out of his mouth
Mr. KABC called Al a bit of a homophobe
2 out of 10 are like Richard Simmons type gays
I'm going to go home and put 18 McDonald's bags in my car.
you want to clean all my gay friends trucks.
I'll find a lesbian who has an 18-wheeler
you think Gray Davis needs a beauty make-over? give him ANY personality
Mr. GayABC
My roommate keeps everything clean.

July 30

this guy would sign his own mother's death warrant to get votes Political whore.
Davis probably forgot today's wednesday too.
I'll be looking for the nearest razor blades to slice my wrists (regarding a caller saying Willie brown could become governor)
8085083030 westcoastwellness 3102672144 lung cancer research
If he signed his own family's death warrant to get votes, he would do it.
one thing about this show is we tell the truth
if we're waiting for Mexico to control the border, we'll be waiting till Hell freezes over
they'd be cutting off they're own nose if they closed the borders
pay people to leave 'cause you'd get it back in spades give them a $1000 and it'd be like a rebate check
the ice cream man is probably hanging out in a gay bar the ice cream man is in venice?? does he play music? I haven't seen that in years
I'll cheat on you honey but buy you a pick up truck

July 28

if you handed a drum or keyboard to someone in NSYNC, they wouldn't know which end to pick up (fleetwood mac concert)
How does it tie in with Bob Hope. the same way there's no more Fleetwood Mac's, there's no more Bob Hope's. ...a gentlemen. who has that kind of broad talent anymore? the talent today. who's the big taste of hollywood now? ben Affleck Eccckkkkkk!
Like your uncle's vacation films. who do we have standing up there now? Christina Aguilera... talent where, somewhere, I don't know I'm very with the pop culture. who's katherine Hepburn's equal today? no one. not a chance. Eminem will be up there 30 years from now swearing with Gray hair.
Not broadcasting, it's narrowcasting star93 in every city of america playing the same 12 songs the problem is they've got no material (stations/music industry complaining about people downloading music) Queen, Styx. now just thugs basically pornography. can't play instruments.
never been a fan of country music. but probably have more talent there (to caller) where's Karen Carpenter's equal today? Karen sang with a microphone. that voice was real.
the only people touring now are the people close to joining the A.A.R.P. don't have the kind of homogeny like then.
Gays and women need to know they're going to be rounded up and put in concentration camps if Gray Davis is out of office.
Nobody 25 years from now is going to be out at the staples center to see Eminem
where's justin Timberlake going to be in 30 years? fleetwood mac, queen, styx and yes maybe Madonna no one like that now
people made it on talent
I want to see Lance Bass play the piano jackie goldberg's favorite group. indigo girls
if I show up at the staples center in my wheelchair, I don't think Eminem is going to be playing to a sold out crowd I don't live in the past. listening to sounds of the 70's... smoking pot listening to Pink Floyd
empty suit (Davis) "there is no there there" gertrude stein
Leno said the reason that arnold was in mexico was because he was campaigning to the voters who will be here in time for the election... ones that are on their way here.
one thing about Gray Davis is that he motivates people
Gray Davis brings out the creativity in people in california like those bad movies they keep coming out with. 800 movies of that crap.
I always give credit, I don't steal. (Leno had called in)
this is a man who stands for NOTHING
the man is as empty as an old bottle of wine
he's a straightforward political whore
cnn covering crazy gadflies the woman with the thong underwear.
he must have been at the Savon going through the greeting cards. air that I breathe, spine and the love and moon and stars and blood. like one of those teen angst movies.
I love pepperoni pizza and I love you, let's get married. I think I'd think like the woman. I've been accused of that before
*****with Mr. KABC ooh, I love italian bar and grill (chicken and shrimp pacada)
you drove an hour and a half to get a hotel
what are we going to bet...? I'll take your car to get detailed (professional detail on the other's car) August 10 get car detailed. will arnold run?

July 24

this material is older than Moses' toes (about Democrats' arguments)
like sands of the hourglass so are the Gray days of our lives
you don't have to be Mr. Spock to understand this (if you believe we're going in the wrong direction, then the only logical direction is the opposite) at LA mixer 5 studios
I did underestimate Gray Davis. I thought he'd be horrible but not this horrible.
I like how they call themselves progressives. like calling the sewer.
Ya know something they're not I never supported him, are you nuts? (about Davis with caller James. idiot who wouldn't answer him on what Davis has done that James liked) this is hopeless I'd be better off going to the beach and hoping the water's 80
I thought he was down there getting the Mexican vote it's not going to be enough to do the Hasta la vista baby (to get elected) all he's going to I'm the Governator I'm here to terminate Gray Davis

July 23

we were on this before it was a bandwagon
the toilet mouth known as Jackie Goldberg
the nickname was the golden state not... uh. [the] tin [state]
you remember the first time we talked, you may not remember it but I remember it 'cause it was me (talking to Assemblyman John Campbell)
such a bengal tiger (more like a pussy) ... I could eat him for lunch
he's probably holding up people right now. (about Davis having no money)
I'm going to get to the polls at 7 o'clock that morning serving donuts and coffee.
people who pull the wagon instead of sitting on it.
Jackie Goldberg is probably big enough to pull the wagon
kobe is accused of raping a young woman and Davis is accused of raping (figuratively) the people of CA.
drum rolls or disco music
12-5 $30 lunch 310.271.7429 agoura hills/Calabasas Paramount Ranch
I'll smuggle in my own cheese. sneak it in when none of the rabbis are looking
he's spends most of his time on the phone raising money anyway
I want to know what he's doing.
Let's make him the superintendent then (of schools) girl gets her dress ready can't waste it
I thought he was going to steal an oscar from the trash can according to her that's what that means (16 size shoe) I've been dating the wrong race, Kevin... they say once you go black you never go back (Kevin James said "al's going to go get a buick")
anybody looking for rough sex make sure the guy's white (caller Martha) I'll have to do an investigation (about black men not doing rough sex)

July 22

You'd think she'd killed Saddam Hussein and found all the weapons of mass destruction.
You'd think General Douglas McArthur just got off the ship after defeating the japanese (about Jessica Lynch)
odai and qusai is "Dead-ay" and "Gone-ay"
if I came down from another planet, I would think she captured Saddam and won the war single-handedly. You'd think she was Douglas McArthur. ...like Arnold S. ...took out 5 guards with machine guns.
Somehow this woman has managed to get people into a frenzy. 900lbs of food and potato salad.
she's 5'2 and nobody was afraid of her
would the public support have been the same if her name was Jessie Lynch?
even Andy Warhol is rolling over in his grave (referencing Warhol's "15 minutes of fame"; over the Jessica Lynch being an international celebrity).
I thought shakespeare was going to come out ... I thought the carpenters were writing [for him] my backbone and my spine bone the air that I breathe except when I'm out of town (about Kobe Bryant's press conference)
don't pretend to be something else. it's insulting. I don't care if you're a jerk, just be sincere [sincerity is important]
trying to make is sound like a Schwarzenegger movie (jessica lynch)
maybe we can send Jane Fonda over for the funeral of odai and qusai... she's available.
speaking of florida, if you see janet reno in her big red truck. take you down to kendal to a farm
How about a little government in the sunshine in Sacramento
Jackie Goldberg with that fat rear-end of hers trying to make your lives miserable
this is a man who believes in nothing but holding power (about Gray Davis)

July 21

words mean something I always listen very carefully to what people say.
can I finish the sentence while you're being rude? ...dial tone.
Maybe the cow will jump over the moon.
I can't answer that.
quite frankly the democrats' candidates stink
I don't have pompoms in my hands.
Monya said she's getting old, she changed your name to Brian (talking to "Bob")
polls are going up and down like an elevator.
let's not blue sky this particularly because the democrats suck
We can't solve this problem on "what if"
You're engaging in denial
Most people are independent (mushy middle) those people can be persuaded
I don't want to take you away from your illusion
the penetration isn't there as Kobe Bryant would say

June 18

I love pepperoni pizza but I'm not married to one
I don't know how liberals think, but I can tell you how this conservative thinks: I use logic.
God will decide. I'll talk to Him about that
These people (in the legislature) see Democrats crossing the border
I'm taking over the entire radio station, lock the door
Hopefully you won't say "Al who?" (when he gets back)
I felt like Ginger or Mary Ann. They were the prettiest ones on the boat and so was I.

June 17

low beam to meathead
moving chairs around on the titanic
fish rot from the head down
mafia of gay catholic priests how do you people stay catholic

June 16

all you got to do is say "tax" and there's a yes vote already
"we're on the way baby, Governor Low Beam [is on the way out]"
He's got the charisma of a tsetse fly (about Gray Davis)
He's clueless. CLUELESS!!! (about Gray Davis)
on paper he'd be the perfect president (about Al Gore)
yeah, well, it's only a 3 hour show (regarding getting a call from someone who thinks Davis should not be recalled)
30 million dollars is like me dropping a penny on the ground and saying my life is over (regarding Davis having that as the only reason for not recalling him)
don't buy green bananas up there in the capital, Governor Low Beam
they never met a tax they didn't like (about CA legislature)
let's see if I can get some Republican Jews in Israel gee,
he told the LA times he had no friends (about Gray Davis when caller said he knew him intimately)
even Jesse Jackson never had a shakedown like that (about Gray bribing teachers union)
Why are some republicans. some are being pussies?
like I'm sitting in the boat and the guy in the back is drilling holes.
imagine (south korea) a country we saved their ass. believe US is more dangerous than Iran. call Iran when they start bombing your ass.
rats lead the sinking ship the man is like watching paint dry (about Gray Davis) can you think of any idea he's had since he's been governor? like the Manchurian candidate.
he's an empty suit I'm going to go to Gaza and visit Yasser Arafat. I need a new tablecloth for my picnic table. meet me after midnight. a hugo waiting to pick me up (about meeting Yasser)

June 13

wait a minute, you think George Washington was a terrorist? to palestinian guest Shariff
Not crazy about horoscopes... stupid I'm libra
Miss Monya taught me everything I know
..that's on the back of that tablecloth he wears on his head. about Arafat
...then they erase them from a map like 12 year olds
what is palestine going to be, the pioneers of democracy? that's a joke
wife shopping in France so he doesn't have to be around her. about Arafat
Better check that Humus before he dips his peta bread in it
only goes to show you everybody has some redeeming quality (about some arab food)
I have a small car, I don't have an suv, I've got a car with a backseat that's made for amputees
woke up and bling, [Israel] was on the moon. then what would the Arabs do?
maybe any man in the home except maybe the boyfriend
Glen Sacks "most child abuse is committed by mothers not fathers" is this the point where I say "it's good to be gay."
rocks in their head fit the holes in the head of the other person (an Al Rantel rule of life)

June 12

you can get fired if you're an idiot.
Pick somebody out of the El Centro phonebook
Bring back Governor Moonbeam
minimum of 6 feet from the dancer and you're nearsighted make sure you wear your glasses
a man who could put a mexican jumping bean in a coma just by looking at it <--about Gray Davis
the thought of leaving Gray Davis in office 'till 2007 is like pulling out your fingernails
go see movie "Network"
oh come on, you can't even see her broom parked in the garage (about Barbra Streisand)
I can't talk and type at the same time
She's suing to be bitchy. not that Barbra would do that ...to keep Democrats off the beach (about why celebrities buy these properties)
wish my house was in that picture
better off taking a picture of Gary Coleman's house
Spiderman is welcome to come to my house anytime
even though I disagree with him he's still the best (about Kevin James)
she's not better in bed than me (Monica Lewinsky)

Al Rantel

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